


Commentary on Sherlock Season 3

by MyrnaMaeve



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Feels, Gen, Sarcasm, Sherlock Series 3 Spoilers, edited for punctuation and readability, occasional blocks of text, ranting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-03-03
Packaged: 2018-01-10 17:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyrnaMaeve/pseuds/MyrnaMaeve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The title says everything you need to know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Episode 1: The Empty Hearse

If Sherlock ruins John's proposal I am going to kill him – and he did and John's pissed and Sherlock made fun of the mustache and oh god he's going to hit him I'm sure of it damn it Sherlock do you know what you did to poor John's heart you senseless bastard really FORGET THE FUCKING MUSTACHE YOU DICKWAD

 

John's right you idiot you are incredibly thick for a genius Sherlock I mean honestly and of course Mycroft was in on it how could he not be but MOLLY and oh god SHERLOCK YOU BLOODY FUCKING IDIOT AND STOP BRINGING UP THE MUSTACHE FOR PETE'S SAKE AND COULD YOU HONESTLY NOT HAVE TOLD JOHN SOMETHING FOR FUCK'S SAKE GOD DAMN IT SHERLOCK I WILL KILL YOU AND DESCIMATE YOUR CORPSE AFTER JOHN FINISHES PUMMELING IT INTO A PULP UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH

 

And a million fangirls' theories are vindicated, while John's rage reaches new heights and I want to do various cruel and unusual things to Sherlock for messing with poor John's heart this way Mycroft be damned and for _fuck's sake Sherlock_ do you _enjoy_ giving people heart attacks you fucking bastard why would you do that to Mrs Hudson

 

_ **SHERLOCK LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!** _

 

yes John everyone hates the mustache get the fuck over it and shave it off damnit

 

-does a spit take- Mycroft and Sherlock?! _Playing Operation?!?!?! THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END!!!!_

 

And of course after she gets over the initial shock Mrs Hudson will be happy as a clam to see Sherlock again.

 

Oh Mycroft you are so lonely go and sleep with your assistant now and make a fangirls the world over squeal

 

listen to mrs hudson you stubborn prat john's obviously waiting for you to make the first move you thick-headed prat oh for god's sake don't try to replace him with molly you idiot she has a god damn crush on you and could you be any more blunt and insensitive and damn it john stop being paranoid and just GO TO HIM FOR FICK'S SAKE ARGGGGGG

 

stop being a god damn show off sherlock damn it you are such a major fucking prat

 

talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity, sherlock

 

you're so not over him sherlock it's so fucking obvious it's not even funny just admit you can't live without john and get over your god damn self

 

damn sherlock you have one of the most interesting thought processes i've ever seen and OHNOJOHNFUCKSHERLOCKGETYOURASSBACKHOMERIGHTFUCKINGNOWDAMNITJOHNNEEDSYOUNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOWNOW

 

DAMNITSHERLOCKSTOPCHITCHATTINGWITHMOLLYANDGETBACKTOTHEFLATNOWTHEYHAVEJOHNFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

 

JOHNJOHNJOHNAREYOUALLRIGHTTALKTOMEJOHNAREYOUOKAY

FUCKINGFINALLYSHERLOCKIMEANHONESTLYANDREALLYMUSTYOUGOTAKINGTHEBELONGINGSOFINNOCENTPASSERSBYYOURERIDICULOUSANDIMSTUCKTYPINGINALLCAPSBECAUSEOFMYRAGEWITHYOU

 

OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKITSGUYFAWKESDAYANDJOHNSINTHEBONFIREOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKDAMNITSHERLCOKHURRYHURRYHUUUURRRRYJOHNSGOINGOTDIIIIIIEEEEMOVEYOURGODDAMNASSFASTERDONTLETJOHNDIIIIEEE

 

JOHN LIVES!!!!! THANK FUCKING GOD!!!

 

holy shit sherlock's parents are NORMAL?!?! welp there go those theories....

 

literal underground network ohmigawd that's BRILLIANT

 

yes john there's a bomb what else would there be honestly john keep up

 

sherlock doesn't care about illegal he's rather licentious like that honestly john you should know this isn't sherlock a klepto

 

OH SHIIIIIIIT

 

damnit sherlock you better not get hit by a train oh good the track is offline that's good then and damnit sherlock have you no sense of self-preservation be _careful_ damn it I don't want you dead and john most definitely doesn't want you dead and he's there with you so he could also end up dead and god damn it sherlock _get the bloody fucking hell out of there right now do you here me sherlock grab john and get the fuck out NOW or I swear to god and WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO SHERLOCK YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO DO YOURE A BLOODY SOCIOPATHIC GENIUS AND **DO SOMETHING FOR FUCK'S SAY AND JOHN'S RIGHT WHY DO YOU NEVER CALL THE POLICE GOD DAMNIT NOW THINK THINKTHINKTHINKTHINKTHINK THIIIIIINK**_

 

oh look we have a feelings jam between two potential moirail-matesprits and just let it all out john let it all out and tell sherlock how you feel sayitsayitsayit _sayit_

 

killandersonkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill

 

there's always an off switch, really sherlock there isn't always an off switch and _god damn it_ sherlock you did _not_ just make that joke are you really that fucking insensitive

 

god damn it molly you're hopeless absolutely hopeless

 

oh for fuck's sake sherlock just admit that john is the person you love and be done with it

 

-head desk- goddamnit sherlock not the hat...

 

if moriarty's alive im going to kill him and kill him slowly and painfully so that he wishes he had never been born

 

I swear to god sherlock if you ruin john's wedding I will both love you and hate you  


	2. Episode 2: The Sign of Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shorter than the last one, but I just had less to say.

 poor lestrade-– dude, don't take your frustration out on the car

 

dude those are some freaky clown masks no wonder sam winchester is terrified by them

 

sherlock you are so dead when lestrade's done with you

 

at least sherlock's decent at the violin – oh he's not playing it he's listening to it

 

sherlock, you're a dick

 

oh sherlock, you're doomed. You know nothing of the female species

 

damnit sherlock you're like an overprotective older brother-- “high-functioning sociopath”, indeed!

 

Sherlock you just admitted you're not a grown up and GODDAMNIT SHERLOCK YOU DON'T SHOW THAT SORT OF THING TO A KID FOR FUCK'S SAKE

 

sherlock, you're cleopatra, because you're the queen of DENIAL.

 

I have a bad feeling-- oh god you're gonna ruin it godamnit sherlock

 

sherlock just stop talking now before you make a complete idiot of both yourself and john

 

oh for fucks sake he's asking you you dense idiot

 

yes sherlock because silence says everything

 

JOHNLOCK MOIRALLEGIANCE FOR THE WIN!!!

 

godfuckingDAMNIT sherlock, what did I say about ruining johns wedding-- nevermind please continue insulting yourself like this it is quite amusing

 

the literal elephant in the room ohmigawd

 

“a meat dagger”

 

yes john you're a very pretty lady

 

sherlock, you're funny when you're piss drunk

 

lady, don't bring sherlock a case when he's drunk as shit you'll get absolutely nowhere and sherlock what the fuck are you doing now

 

Note to Self: Never get sherlock drunk. Ever. It will only end in disaster. And hilarity.

 

Truer words have never been spoken Mrs Hudson

 

you really are a drama queen sherlock

 

never a dull moment for you, huh sherlock


	3. Episode 3: His Last Vow

Who's this douchebag? And how excellent is his memory? Is it eidetic?

 

My, what a creepy house you have. If it is indeed your house... dude, who's the girl in the photograph?

 

Damn Mr. M, you are a creepy bastard. WHo apparently sweats like Equius Zahhak... dammit, stop being creepy and cunning and Slytherin and WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LICK THAT WOMAN YOU SICK FUCK

 

Enter: Sherlock! ...and JOhn.

 

Oh no, John's having a nightmare... or not?

 

Who's this Kate person?

 

Pregnancy, the excuse of married couples everywhere.

 

Wow, John. You're a BAMF. "I'm a doctor. I know how to sprain people." That is one of the best lines.

 

Oh, hai Sherlock. What are you doing in a drug den? Oh, how silly of me. You're obviously getting high.

 

Hell yes, Molly! Slap him! RELEASE YOUR RAGE.

 

Oh look Sherlock, you have competition in the observation department.

 

Oh, hai Mycroft. Hai Anderson!

 

Dammit Mycroft stop being a dick. You too Sherlock. All Holmes cease with the dickishness. I mean it!

 

"Don't insult me when I'm high." So you were high then!

 

You realize that by saying "don't go in the bedroom," John is bound to -- oh look, a half-naked woman. Does this mean you've gotten a girlfriend, Sherlock -- Oh, you have! Congratulations. Johnlock is now thoroughly jossed.

 

I'm not sure who's priorities are more skewed, John's or Sherlock's.

 

I sense a possible kismesitude -- oh you are a dick, Mr. M. You are the dick of dicks, no doubt about it.

 

Okay, the fuck is wrong with you, you just pissed in Sherlock's fireplace. That is wrong and disgusting on so many levels -- and Sherlock is more focused on the letters.

 

Sherlock, you are both a Glorious Bastard and a Manipulative Bastard and I love you. Along with a million other fangirls.

 

Holy SHIT. SHERLOCK WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

 

FUCK MAGNUS MIGHT STILL -- OH YOU'VE COME TO THE SAME CONCLUSION AND WHY AM I STILL YELLING

 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 

SHERLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!!!!!!

 

John, your WIFE shot him!!!! Your wife!!! I never trusted the damn bitch.

 

Sherlock, don't you dare die for real this time! I will bring you back just so I can kill you again!

 

Sherlock!!! -cries goddamn tears of fucking joy-

 

Mary you fucking skank how dare you show your fucking face I will fucking kill you you goddamned bitch

 

Aaaaaand you've lost your girlfriend. This is why you can't have nice things.

 

Dammit Sherlock, you're in the goddamn hospital for a reason.

 

He would bother protecting you John. He's always loved you. Well, not always, but he does now.  


 

Oh, nice shot, bitch.

 

You did all this to bring Sherlock a case?! You fucking bitch I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU IN YOUR GODDAMNED SLEEP!!!

 

FUCK I CAN'T KILL HER SHE'S PREGNANT WITH JOHN'S BABY GODDAMMIT.

 

Yes John, everyone you know is a psychopath, even Mrs. Hudson. To a degree.

 

Oh, don't try to make us pity you, A.G.R.A., it ain't happening.

 

Sherlock, you MORON!!! This is why, when you get shot, you STAY IN THE GODDAMNED HOSPITAL UNTIL YOU'RE HEALED!!! HAVE YOU NO COMMON SENSE?! OH WAIT, DON'T ANSWER THAT, THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUSLY NO!!!

 

Mycroft, you're a dick.

 

Aw, Mycroft, you do care. You should show it more often.

 

Sherlock, what have you done and when do I kill you for it. And why do you refuse to say in the hospital.

 

YOU UTTER BASTARD YOU SOLD YOUR BROTHER'S SECRETS WHEN YOU KNOW FULL WELL THAT YOUR BROTHER IS THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!

 

Johnlock is thoroughly justified!!! It's fucking Christmas! Literally AND figuratively!!!!

 

STFU Mr. M, nobody likes you you piece of shit.

 

SON OF A FUCKING DICK GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

Fuck he broke Sherlock the world is doomed -- okay not broken. I hope. Maybe

 

Punch him punch him punch him punch him punch him punch him punch him punch him punch him punch him punch him PUNCH THE FUCKING BASTARD DAMMIT

 

WHAT THE FUCK SHERLOCK DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THE FUCK YOU'VE DONE I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, THEN YOU BRING YOU BACK AND KILL YOU OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!

 

If you can't think of anything to say then fucking KISS HIM DAMMIT.

 

Sherlock... goddammit... you know what I'll do to you if you fucking die!!!!!!!

 

GODDAMNED FUCKING MORIARTY WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU STAY DEAD YOU FUCKING MANIPULATIVE BASTARD ASSHAT I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.

No, that's not enough. A villain of your magnitude deserves to be tortured first. Hm... should I slowly replace all the blood in your body with molten, burning hot metal like lead or copper? Should I cut you to pieces, one small shred at a time? Skin you alive, douse you in vinegar and rub your wounds with salt? Perhaps a parasite that paralyzes you while it eats you from the inside out? Or a flesh-eating disease that has no known cure? Oh, maybe I could draw and quarter you? I'm sure that would be fun! Though maybe not quite as much fun as castrating you with a rusty spoon... Oh or I could drill holes in every bone in your body  _while they're still inside you_. [Censored for being even  more disturbing then what's already written]


End file.
